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Things I Think Will Happen When I Try Standup

6/3/2016

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My reaction to being asked if I do standup.

What is the thing I fear doing the most and also the thing that could most help my comedy writing career right now? Standup. I shudder even thinking about it. I love to watch standup, but I fear for my wellbeing on many levels if (when) I eventually ovary-up and perform it. Here are just a sampling of the things I think will happen to me when I bite that atomic bullet.

  • I will stand on stage and be surrounded by a sea of silence, no laughs to be found.
  • I will get only a few pity-laughs. Obvious in their meaning and far worse than no laughs at all.
  • I will forget the English language.
  • I will mix up the orders of jokes like some bad movie and/or mom moment.
  • I will be sandwiched between two extraordinarily funny people, emphasizing my unfunniness.
  • I will have a wardrobe malfunction. Not something I’d really care about in life, but here an insult-to-injury kind of thing.
  • Actually funny people will make fun of me behind my back.
  • I will be so mortified that I actually faint, upping my mortification levels significantly.
  • I will have a panic attack onstage and be stuck up there, in that shitty bar, having a panic attack, surrounded by strangers.
  • Someone important in the TV/film industry will see me bomb, then blacklist me from ever working for the rest of my life.
  • One of my idols will see me bomb, then never respect me.
  • I will be possessed by a demon, just once, who is really funny. I will develop a taste for the laughs that the demon gets, but once he leaves by system I will be unable to reap them for myself.
  • The Flop Sweats.
  • I will literally die.
  • I will hurt bad enough from the bombing and all the anxieties already primed in my system that I will give up and never do standup again.

So. I guess I should do standup now. Whoop whoop.

-K
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    And so the post-grad struggle begins. Thanks for spectating the merry-go-madness!

    Kayla Martine

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