Because I have spent the middle and the bulk of this week in bed like a sickly little bird, I am doing a special post outlining the many positive attributes of being sick right now. Some points are specifically related to our time in history, some are just pretty awesome and deserve a shoutout!
Yeah, yeah, we get it, we’re lucky. We have supermeds that make us superhuman. That’s too easy, let’s move on.
Remember back when we had to rely on our parents to pick out a Blockbuster flick when we were ill? And if it was a tsunami-like wave of sickness throughout school, you could never get that cool popular film you were dying to see? And you had to put faith in whatever they brought home and accept it, and you did appreciate that they tried their best, but you also wished that you had a say in the final pick after your first two choices were a wash? Or even more harrowing, remember the days when your parents were too busy to go to the store so you just had to watch infants being born on A Baby Story? For hours on end? I was sick a lot as a kid. Anyways, now we have Netflix, which is arguably the greatest asset to sick people today. Yeah, yeah, after modern meds, blahblahblah. Netflix makes your sick day bearable, makes your choices near-infinite, and makes your brain happily numb.
As a kid, you really didn’t care that much about your sleeping opportunities. They came often and a lot. As an adult, you are pressured to wake up early and get shit done ALL THE GODDAMN TIME. Your one excuse to actually sleep all that you want? A sick day. Sleep means healing, so it is encouraged. But you know what else sleep means? Happiness, ignoring responsibilities, shutting out the rest of the world, and generally exhibiting sloth. All incredible things. The unabashed sleep of the sickly is a beautiful, beautiful gift!
Things I have read or been told many times: You should not drink Gatorade unless you’re actually doing intense exercise, the influx of calories is otherwise unwarranted, that stuff has more sugar in it than several candy bars, you’re better off drinking soda (which everyone knows is the devil’s juice.) You know what I say to that? Fine. Ok. But as soon as I’m ill? HA THE JOKE’S ON YOU! I will drink only Gatorade! I will shamelessly worship at the altar of Blue Frost, as is my goddess birthright! Because everyone knows that one constant in this world is that goddesses drink Blue Frost Gatorade. Swig that sports-juice, my sickly sisters! You’ve earned it with your suffering!
You Become A Psychic Vampire
According to Google, a psychic vampire is a “mythological creature” which feeds off the life force of others. They suck out your vibrancy, or so they say. Well, when you’re sick, everyone who hears about it essentially offers you their spiritual neck. Everyone is sending good vibes your way and you get to suck them down like Lady and The Tramp slurped their spaghetti! Your ears will be burning all day from how many concerned parties are thinking of you! Now. You might not believe in psychic vampiracy. That’s fine. I like to think that you can sponge up the positive energy of others, but I don’t think that I’m leaving anyone as a withered husk either! But come on, man! Let us bedridden biddies have some fun, especially with Halloween just around the corner! Let us adorn our pouts with wine-hued lipstick! Let us adopt that slow, sloping dialect of Dracula as we say “I want to suck your spirit!” We won’t kill your vibe, we’ll just take a bit of it, on lease.
Perhaps the true number one best thing about being sick is that you have the chance to entertain yourself, like I did by writing this. But then, the only thing that I had the energy to do on Tuesday and Wednesday was watch Reign on Netflix and eat boxes of animal/graham crackers. It’s a tightrope of tired that we sickly ones walk.