1:47 AM - I’ve arrived home from my play’s (the play that I wrote’s) after-party. In the last few hours I’ve said, “Goodbye for quite a while,” to two of my favorite people OH MY GOD A THOUSAND LEGGER JUST RAN ACROSS THE CHAIR NEXT TO ME, everything I believe in has been a lie, I’ll never sleep again!
Ok, so I’ve always told myself that they don’t like furniture so they’ll stay away from my bed at night. Ugh. Sorry, I’m just panicking because EVERYTHING is a lie. Anyways, I said bye to two amazing friends, saw my show for the last time, and have been left with many feels. I also dropped ½ a cupcake’s worth of icing into my lap! So I'm doing great! And I'm now waiting as long as I can bear before calling Uber, trying desperately not to cave and unpack my laptop to pass the time. That’s right, this is totally being written out longhand.
2:10 AM - Ubers might be hard to get much later at night. I’ll at least wait till 2:30…
2:13 AM - Standing is OK. It gives me a reason to do my shoulder-unrounding yoga stance.
3:54 AM - Guess what you can’t get at an airport at 3:45 AM? FUCKING ANYTHING THAT’S WHAT! Even McDonald’s has failed me. I long for coffee and warm food, like, they might as well be the elixir of life and a food item so good that its actually better than sex.
Anyways, here are some things that I saw on the trek to Terminal B27, NOT including the various grate-enclosed breakfast establishments: a ginormous T-Rex skeleton (ooooh a natural theme is occurring in this text!). A realistic statue of a football player adjacent to one of a colonial dude.
I also had to take one of those airport subways to get here, the kind with a row of seats at each side. A family claimed each bench area and only myself and a hot dude (around age 27) stood in the middle of the car. Each of us a single traveler, this move seemed to highlight our youth, our strength, and our general virility. If all the world outside this airport was destroyed in the next hour, this alignment of action would certainly determine that we together, we should repopulate the planet. We are the alphas, we who choose to stand without even touching the standing-poles while the tram moves along. Plus, there aren’t many options for repopulation in a place this abandoned.
4:12 AM - Changed my mind, I hope his name is Oprah. Maybe with dystopian spelling. Ohpra.
4:13 AM - Kaynya? Kayma? Mayla?
4:17 AM - It is a little depressing that my potential mate was wearing a backwards baseball cap and a tie-dye tank top. Like he was dressed by a middle school boy who pines after the LAX BRO lifestyle.
4:20 AM - There are no flight attendants/employees of the airline at this gate. They probs hide until the coffee is made available.
4:35 AM - It's been over 45 minutes since I’ve seen Ohpra. May the odds be ever in his favor. Also most grown men have the saddest calves.
4:42 AM - The pilot just sat next to me. He is incredibly tall and silver-haired. He has the demeanor of a man who can calmly solve any situation. If someone goes into labor on this flight, I bet dolla dolla bills that he’ll the one to deliver the child.
4:45 AM - AN EMPLOYEE JUST PASSED W/A STYROFOAM CUP OF COFFEE!!!! From whence hast thou came, bitch? There’s something they aren’t telling us!
4:48 AM - BRUEGGER’S HAS OPENED.
5:22 AM - A voiceover just told us that passengers are not permitted to congregate at any time during the flight. And here I was, really into this being a cool, cult-like experience.
5:33 AM - I know full well how ridiculous this sounds, but I was just forced into first class. I tried to stay back because my bag was stowed above me, but the attendant just said, "It'll be safe." Yeah, I didn't doubt that. But I have less than one hour to transfer flights when we touch down and now my belongings are in two separate overhead compartments...Here we go adventure?
5:36 AM - I also have no effin’ idea what to do with this plastic wrapped blanket so I'm filling up that spare first-class-room by stuffing it into the seat next to me.
5:41 AM - Not only am I in first class, I'm first ROW, so I keep accidentally making eye contact with the flight attendant who is sitting directly in front of me, facing the rest of us.
5:46 AM - Welp, I'm drinking water from a stemless wine glass and I got a fancy pants meal bar. I also tried to make like one iota of conversation with the elderly man next to me but that's a bust. Someone's a grumpy grandpa...
5:50 AM - Opened my "Fig Bar." It is literally two biggish, drier versions of Fig Newtons.
5:55 AM - It's like a Fig Newton where the breading is infused with birdseed.
5:59 AM - I have not heard old man say one nice thing to the flight attendant. He could at least manage a thank you.
6:15 AM - The ACs in first class are so powerful that their hissing literally drowns out any in-flight announcements.
6:22 AM - As the plane works on landing, I must accept that my time with Ohpra is past. It can be hard to accept when a relationship becomes impractical, especially when you're as invested as I was in him. He had really solid scruff after all, and I'm at an age where patchy kid-fuzz just no longer cuts it. I shall never forget you, Ohpra.
6:29 AM - We’ve landed. Grumps has grabbed his bag and is standing directly in front of the attendant while we all wait for the doors to open. Never have I wanted to strike an old-timer this much. He just deserves a wallop.
6:39 AM - Cheerful me to a boy wearing a Pitt Lacrosse shirt, "Are you at Pitt right now?" He, with all the sass and disgust a teen boy can muster, "No."
6:48 AM - Another shuttle. I stand amongst the poles again. Too bad this shuttle is not the place to pick up my next co-dictator...
6:50 AM - The realization that you've had this same red lipstick on for 12 straight hours.
6:51 AM - After re-evaluation, there is actually one acceptable source of genes-a-la-shuttle, though of the two of us, he would be the Beta. That's fine with me. Ours shall be a matriarchy.
6:55 AM - Apparently my next flight is so obscure that they had to bus us away AND my gate is a combination of three gates. There is one bathroom in the whole terminal. And when you’re traveling alone and carrying-on, using the bathroom is a special level of Hell.
7:06 AM - Caved. Wrestled my luggage through a bathroom break. My, how lovely to look in the mirror after all these hours.
8:09 AM - I have ordered coffee from the hostess and am trying not to pull my hair out by the root or wail uncontrollably while my insides self-destruct. Oh, fountain of life, wash me clean and free from bullsh!
8:16 AM - The coffee has come and I feel as though I might cry from relief. The adorable little girl next to me is drinking apple juice with ice cubes in it. Her family is from Utah, which seems like a different country right now.
8:24 AM - It feels like all my facial tissue is dead. I do not know how to proceed, as I had put my faith in the goddess, Caffeine. Wow. Caffeine is a pretty pretty name.
8:37 AM - Stuck in descent and there are so many things that I'd like to do. Use a bathroom, but only without all the baggage drama. Lie down and sleep forever, because my body is so tired of sitting that I could cry. Also, I'd just like to eat the hardiest meal. Like stew by Hamburger Helper or my Grandma's Mac and Cheese.
9:13 AM - Out of the furnace and into the inferno, I've gotten picked up and now I get to drive for like another hour!!!
10:34 AM - I've been informed that we cannot go for food until noon. I had breakfast at 4:55. Plus that fucking "Fig Bar" an hour later. At this moment, it seems like I haven’t consumed nutrients in decades. My body is running off reserves, essentially all the alcohol and Nutella that I've consumed over the years, the stuff that refuses to leave my insides. Perhaps I can forage outside the restaurant while we wait for the rest of the family. Some berries, mustard greens, or an older man's leftovers. I may be tired but I can still bat my eyes. In fact, I'm sure that kind of gesture would be terrifying as I'm this pale, bloodshot, and sporting under eye bags worthy of their own caddies.
12:18 PM - Kayla tries to order a cheeseburger, because that's all in the world that she wants, but the family is having that for dinner. She panic-orders an omelet instead. A fucking omelet. That's like, Pterodactyl food.
12:37 PM - Rico says, "This is my special, fancy plate. There are many like it, but this one is mine" *Kayla slowly extends a pointer finger and presses it down in the center of the plate* *Rico looks completely dumbfounded for several seconds and then yells* "ARE YOU FUCKING SERIOUS?!?"
3:04 PM - It is so so hot and we have been locked out of the beach house because it has to be cleaned. Hiding in an ice cream shop now, and looking about as sweaty and disgusting as possible. Zombiesque, but no rest shall come yet.
3:33 PM - Update: My cousin Drew is the best human I know. Literally, I will try to arrange his wedding like he was my own grandson. I plan to carry his picture in my wallet to show it to eligible singles once he is of marrying age.
Hopefully I will actually recharge here...we shall see.