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Bumbling through one day at a time

Victorian: Could It Be The New Paleo?

5/23/2016

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Man, I really love walks.

​I did the Whole30 about two years ago, which is an intense paleo 30-day regimen. As a result, I read a lot of articles and blogs about the paleo lifestyle. Besides the diet restrictions, die-hard paleo devotees often commit to “caveman” fitness regimes. The old-school uses for our bodies involved hours of walking, short periods of sprinting, and lifting heavy stuff. Those are the pillars of caveman workouts. The whole idea of paleo is that it’s a lifestyle for optimal well-being.


This past February I was given a book called The Tenant of Wildfell Hall for Galentine’s Day. I’m always trying to up the amount of book-reading that I do, so I dove into the volume even though Victorian novels are not exactly my jam. Not only was the text a pleasantly feminist surprise, it also made me reevaluate my feelings towards many facets of Victorian life. Looking at these character’s everyday lives, I started to think that injecting some Victorian into our own could do even more for our spiritual well-being than paleo! In the list below, I make the argument for why we could all be better from a little Victorian flair.

Caveat: Obviously the reason that I’ve never been into the Victorian era is the “place of women in society” and all the bigotry that abounded. But the modern paleo adaptations certainly don’t involve dudes beating each other to death for the right to mate with the most fertile-looking women or the general eschewing of clothing or whatever questionable stuff was acceptable at that time. It’s all about picking the right parts. So here are some of the high points of a semi-Vic lifestyle. That’s a fair thing to call it since we’re trashing most of the ideology of the time, right?

  1. Actually Making Time To Read: Netflix is a blessing, but also makes it awful hard to remember to read. Reading, unlike watching TV and film, stimulates your brain and keeps your sharp and makes you smart and a whole bunch of other great things. Victorians read all the damn time. We’d all benefit from a semi-Vic decrease in screen-time and increase in page-time, even if it’s slight.
  2. Going For Walks Everyday: Long walks were social events, exercise, and opportunities to spend time in nature. Being in the city, I’ve never valued the sight of trees more. I love leisurely walks on temperate nights. I’ve had some of my best deep conversations on these jaunts. Walks are an opportunity to slow down and just be. And our bodies crave them. And nature. So this tenet of semi-Vic living is a real win-win-win.
  3. Pursuit Of The Arts: It’s astonishing how many people in these books pursue musical skill, painting, and other art forms just for the heck of it. Not to be professional or to get famous, it’s just something that they value. Sure, some of them do it to get higher-class husbands, but whatever! In our work work work work work society (sung to the Rihanna melody, obviously), we could use a wider concentration on the arts. Anyone can be a musician or a poet! The world is a brighter place with each new artful moment! (Woah, unintentional rhyme for the win!) Let’s embrace the everyday arts! They’re good for our souls, minds, and stress levels.
  4. Picnics, Dinner Parties, & Teas: Getting drinks out at a club is cool and all, but damn I like dinner parties. The Victorians got how to have personal meals. Meals that focused on relaxation and interpersonal connection, not the half-conscious scarfing of calories that we do in front of our computers. Screen-eating is a reality, but that doesn’t mean we can’t insert a few social eating events into every week, or at least every month. Who doesn’t love a picnic? Who doesn’t gag for the glory of a tea? I adore teas. I wish I could have tea with the little sandwiches and pastries every afternoon, but since I have $0 I’ll settle for once in a blue moon, or maybe twice if I’m lucky.
  5. Made From Scratch: Now I’m not saying that the Victorian diet was super-healthy or anything like that, but much like the paleo diet, it wasn’t heavy in chemicals. All of us could really benefit from cutting chemicals, that’s for sure. This is the most valuable thing that I learned from the Whole30 and it’s just as valid for semi-Vic living.

See? There are some solid tenets to this lifestyle. Just cut out all the bullshit of the Victorian era, the obsession with purity and shame, the marriage as a business transaction, the sexism, the racism, the homophobia, all that bullsh that really lasted WAY too long as a part of society, and just pick out the parts that will make us saner, better people.

​Could semi-Vic be the next Paleo? Probs not, but I’m still going to try to focus on many of the above points. I’m so bad at making time to read. So bad. But maybe I’ll get better, with time.


-K
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5 For-Real Pickup Lines That Might Actually Work (You’re Welcome)

5/20/2016

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Perfect for your local watering hole.

If you’re over 21, chances are that someone has used a really horrible pickup line in your general direction. These typically range from gross, to sappy, to just plain dumb. More sloppy than appetizing, in my opinion. An effective pickup line, with actual pickup potential, can be hard to perfect, so here are 5 options that are way more like to work than, “Did it hurt?” Because listening to you finish that sad attempt really
will hurt, the listener as much as the failed picker-upper.


What Hogwarts House Would You Belong To?
Yes, opposites are said to attract, but often it’s best to keep your romance within your fandom. You can theme your question towards GoT, LOTR, or whatever other abbreviation fits your fancy. If you truly love one of these fandoms, you’re likely to be compatible with others who share your interest. You could ask for their favorite Doctor, their favorite Star Wars film, or something that denotes a popular fandom that I know nothing about. Man, fandom is a fun word. I’ve never really used it until now. Anyway, I’m a Ravenclaw, according to every test I’ve ever taken online, and the fact that I’ve taken those tests proves that if you’re disdainful of all that is magical in the Rowling sense, you can move right along.

Wanna To Split A Pizza?
The best thing about getting tipsy outside of the comfort of your home is that it’s way more likely you’ll be able to motivate yourself to trek to a pizza joint. It’s fairly common knowledge that drunk pizza may be the single greatest food-experience of our time. So universally liked, it has the power to mend the rifts between us all. This also takes out the “I’m getting lured into a stranger’s place to get murdered” possibility, at least temporarily. Late night pizza joints are a neutral space. A bubble of safety, ecstasy, and warmth. And now I really want a substance-enhanced pizza experience. Darn my cold and the noon-on-a-Monday constraints of time and space.

What 90’s/Early 2000’s Cartoons Were Your Jam?
We older millennials love to lament the fall of solid mainstream cartoons. Nick used to have it going on, and now it’s all garbage. You know it, I know it, and that person you’re trying to pick up at the bar knows it. Besides providing an important topic to relate over, this question can also teach you a lot about your potential new squeeze. Hey Arnold is for sensitive souls who like to get deep, philosophical, and intellectual. Lovers of Rocko’s Modern Life have strong stomachs and aren’t afraid of the weird. Ed, Edd n Eddy fans have a real thing for schadenfreude. And of course, if the person says that they never have and to this day don’t like cartoons of any kind, for some people that may a red flag, mayn’t it?

Hey Girl, You Look Like You Should Be Running A Company
“I bet you have excellent executive leadership skills. You know how to command a room. If you were my boss, I’d never make jokes behind your back about you having your period in response to you pointing out my huge stupid-ass mistakes.” See? I’m making myself swoon right now! Stop objectifying and give an actual compliment. I like compliments on my appearance, but not if you’re just into me for my appearance. Be into someone for their boss potential, their artistic side, or their enchanting way with words. Seriously. Embrace the dimensions.

Do You Have An Adorable Pet You Can Show Me Pics Of?/Want To See Pictures Of My Puppy?
It’s no secret that a lot of Tinder swipes are influenced by adorable 4-legged friends. You may not have a lot of faith in a stranger, but you sure aren’t going to doubt the intentions of their abnormally fuzzy kitten! If you don’t love adorable animal videos, I sure I don’t want to interact at length with your sad, jaded self. Pets are good and pure, injecting something untainted and beautiful into an otherwise seedy courtship process. And the real winning quality of pets is that the person you’re trying to pick up may want to meet your charming furry compadre in the future. So really, there’s no negative side to this strategy, aside from the person possibly being way more interested in your pet than they are in you. But you get the obsession, because it’s also your obsession, so it won’t hurt that much in the end.

Hopefully.


-K
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7 Moves For A Rockin’ Rack, A Realist’s Reply

5/16/2016

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What move is more iconic than your first initial in backwards crystals?

​I recently came across an article called “7 Moves For A Rockin’ Rack” on Pinterest. Needless to say, I guffawed. While
perhaps targeted moves can perk up your pectorals, and thus the flesh atop them, they can’t make that much of a difference. Boobs aren’t made of muscles, y’all, and gravity isn’t going to let your chesticles be just because you did some chest presses. While I think that all racks of all kinds are rockin’, as someone who goes through life with a boob-shelf that I can rest my phone atop if my hands are full I thought it would be fun to come up with my own rendition of this kind of article. So here are 7 realistic moves to a rockin’ rack. Enjoy!


  1. Bagels & Bagels & Bagels: As I said earlier, and as most of you probably knew already, boobs are just fat. If you eat more, your boobs will grow. And for some reason, in my experience and the experience of some friends of mine, bagels especially seem to feed into the bust. Don’t ask particulars, but it does seem to be the case. And don’t order your bagels reduced fat cream cheese either. They just pump that shit full of sweeteners. That’s not necessarily going to affect your rack, I just have a problem with “big sugar,” or whatever they call it these days.
  2. Cross Your Arms: This works on so many levels. 1) It creates a boob frame. Long bangs can draw attention to your charming facial features. This position can do the same for your other assets. 2) It’s super supportive. For instance, if you’re walking down the stairs this can protect you from the shock of the many potential bounces. 3) This position makes you look disdainful, and thus in charge. In charge is always a sexy look.
  3. Contour ‘Em Like A Kardashian: Stage actors are no stranger to this one. The rest of you, prepare for the easiest contouring job of your life. Seriously, even if the cat eye is your Mount Everest, you can pull this off. Take a contouring (slightly dark) shade and just “V” it down your cleavage. Create the shadow that isn’t there and blend. If you don’t think it’ll look believable, Google “Rupaul cleavage.” 50% of that is makeup. At least. Padding can only do so much. So don’t doubt, V it out!
  4. “Are You There God? It’s Us, The Judy Blume Fans!”: Count nostalgia or superstition as your reason here, but why not try out the chant from Are You There God? It’s Me, Margaret. It’s the equivalent of casting a spell on your tatas. And guess what? There is a video of Judy Blume doing this herself! Use this link as an instructional guide: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XgTIUa2y7gY
  5. Become A Sports Bra Aficionado: Gravity is everywhere. Ant it only amplifies the bouncing force of aerobic activity. This can be chest-depressing. So if you want to be active, which, ick, but if you’re into that, you’re going to need to be chest-compressing. The less your boobs move when you exercise, the more rocking your rack will be. I could get specific here, but the reasons are kind of gross. I don’t like to think about tiny tears in my skin. Ew. Sorry. SO! Make sure you utilize real, hardcore sports bras. Will you have to double up? Possibly. Unlike with condoms, this really can offer double the protection. Will hardcore sports bras make your ribcage uncomfortable/impair your ability to breathe? Possibly. It’s a Goldilocks waltz, what can I say.
  6. Check Your Posture: I may be a serial sloucher, but this one really does the trick. Pulling your shoulders back can transition you from Igor to Pamela Anderson. From Yzma of The Emperor's New Groove to Beyoncé of the Lemonade-level ferocity. From Neville Longbottom in the Harry Potter films to the actor who plays Neville in his real life as an underwear model. From Donald Trump to Michelle Obama. That woman has it going on, seriously.
  7. Just Put Your Hands Up!: Really, if you want to accentuate your “rack,” the best thing to do is put your hands over your head. Instantly your boobs will vault up. It’s that simple. The way you do this, and how natural it seems, is up to you. Yawn. Stretch. Reach for something on a shelf. Do a tree pose. Make extending toward the sky your thing. However you choose to implement, make it your own.

A good mix of silly and serious, I’m 100 percent sure that these 7 tips are way more helpful than whatever muscular exercises Pinterest suggested I utilize. And again, your rack is already rocking. Just rock it, babe.

-K
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Life Is So Peculiar...

5/13/2016

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But it won't be broken long!


...as Peggy Lee once sang. (The title, not the photo caption.) Very true. Even if the lyrics of that song don’t make much sense.

Adam and I have been in NYC for 2 months and it is starting to feel like a home, even if we’re in a sublet. But even with the pros, New York City life is incredibly expensive. So to make sure we’re in the best position to market and push and succeed with our ad company, we are going home-home for a month (or for me, 6ish weeks) to put together a kick-ass reel and website and do all of the paperwork that comes along with starting a new business. Much of this work will be tedious, and much of it is stuff just Adam has to do while I chill about.

We were planning to get a city apartment of our own with a lease starting in June. Now we’ll strive to do the same for July. This is life. It rarely goes according to plan. And one way or another, I know I’m getting back to that city sooner rather than later.

So if you’re in NYC, I’ll miss you. Let’s make plans ASAP please. If you’re in the Lancaster area, be friends!!! And if you’re just someone who reads the blog without having a physical contact point in my life, I’m sorry it’s been a stagnant stretch. I’ll do my best to get new material out while at home. After all, I’ll mostly just be writing scripts and chilling with Rico Suave :)

Home-home in 10 days, y’all! I’m so, so pumped for all the free food and friendship!

-K
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Sorry (I Ain't Sorry)

5/2/2016

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So today I was going to post my next Year Of Yes update, but the truth is that I didn't "yes" to anything big or exciting this month. I mostly just worked. So I'm taking a pass.

However, if you didn't get the reference made by my post title, I suggest that you spend some time today watching Beyoncé's new visual album. Yes, all of it. Yes, watching, because the first time you hear the songs you need to experience the cinematic layer and the poetry that are meant to accompany them. That is all.

I'll do a silly thing for Friday, cross my heart.

-K
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Sneak Peekage: Ad Edition

4/29/2016

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As many of you know, Adam and I are preparing to launch an independent production company that will focus on comedic commercials. At this point we have filmed two spec commercials for our reel and are planning to launch our website within the next two weeks (knock on wood). The first two shoots were unbelievably fun, so I decided I’d like to give you a sneak peek at some of these glorious mugs.

Also, yes, I’m in both of the first two. Because I’m always there. But that is a trend that will not last, I can tell you that much.
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The picture of sadness.
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4th Wall Breaking.
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Ben & Jerry?
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Product placement. Such style. Such grace.
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Rule breaking...
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Coordinated Confusion
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But seriously, this wind is amazing.
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Sorry so many, but look at this love.
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Such best friendship.
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We should probably have our own web show. hint. Hint. HINT!?!?

Man these bring me life, and I'll even treat you to a super unattractive one, just for funzies. Have a great weekend! 

-K

P.S.
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sigh. yep.
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5 Great Places To Wear Your “I Voted” Sticker

4/26/2016

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Rock the vote! (And the sticker!)

In honor of today’s PA primary, (yesterday I didn’t get to this post because I was on my way home to vote) (we have no NYC address at this point), here are some handy tips for where to wear your “I Voted” sticker. Because why not add some effortless grease to the sticky situations that life throws our way?

To See The In-Laws
Got some in-law tension that never seems to quit? Does your boyfriend’s mom treat you with the disdainful civility that an old-timey British matriarch would employ towards the well-born “player” who thinks he might have a chance with her daughter? In either case, you know what could buffer away some of that tension? Your prominently placed sticker. They may not like you, but when you’re clearly displaying what a responsible citizen you are, how aggressive can their dislike really be? Much like the presence of a small child or mutual acquaintance who is slightly more fond of you than them, the sticker will dull the serrated edge of their candor, thusly making your interaction easier, if only for the day.

On Your Hot Internet Date
It can be damn hard to start a conversation on one of these things, so wear your sticker on your shirt! Sure, politics can be a faux pas on such an occasions but, realistically, if his views make you want to spit in his face or something equally extreme, y’all probably aren’t about to get married anyway. Plus, who doesn’t want to introduce their mom to someone who’s responsible enough to make the time to vote? See above! That sort of thing paints a picture of you as someone who could conceivably co-parent a child! Or be a great puppy co-caretaker! Or who won’t steal your shit after you spend one night together and never speak again! Hey, to each their own. But to everyone their sticker!

Moral Highground Situations
Maybe you want to take two too many items in the express checkout lane. Maybe you want to park your car in front of a hydrant to run into a store just for a minute. Maybe you forgot the plastic bags when you took your (large) dog on a walk and he RUINED a patch of sidewalk and you had to run off to find some bags but it really looked like you were abandoning ship. Today, you voted. Can’t they see that? You made an effort, so the least that the world can do is accommodate you just a teeny tiny bit. Hopefully your sticker will deter some of the judgement in situations such as these or, at the very least, you can throw judgement right back! If someone on the path starts screaming at you for not getting the mound of RUIN off the sidewalk fast enough, but they don’t have a sticker on? Oh girl, here’s your slightly-irrational ammo to come right back at the hater.

To Slowly Drive Past A Trump-Supporter’s House
This is best executed with a car full of your fellow sticker-wearers. Roll down the windows. Play “We Are The World,” or a similar ballad of boundary-crossing love, as loud as you can without blowing out your speakers. If the hate-mongerer happens to look your way, sadly shake your heads in unison. While most of us don’t want to go to a Trump rally, as protesting often means getting physically assaulted, we can do our part on the streets. Sorry haterade drinkers, this ain’t Germany’s dark period 2.0 just yet. Let’s keep it that way.

To Da Club
Sure, if you bothered to do the whole Match.com thing your sticker will ease the first few attempts to get the pickaxe through the ice, but if you’re just single and ready to mingle why not wear this baby out on the town? Whether the bumpin’ dance floor or the dive bar is more your scene, you’re sure to attract other potential singles with this flyest of accessories. What more could one look for in another than a sense of civil duty? A sense of responsibility? Strong opinions? Someone who takes charge and plays a role in their own future? Someone who pushes all the right buttons? Just keep your sticker adhered when you go out for drinks and watch those eligible individuals fall in line. But Kayla, you might say, I don’t think this will move will attract all kinds of people. Correct! Those kinds of people who it will not attract are called scrubs. So you can thank your sticker for drawing in the kind of people you’re looking for, not the kind that TLC would judge you for chatting up.

Happy Primaries, everyone!

-K
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When You Have Anxiety & Try To Record Vocals In Your NYC Apartment

4/22/2016

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So much music from the musical crew!

So far it’s been pretty cool living in a real NYC apartment. Sure there are sirens and for some reason the heaters have been on even on nice days and tend to wake us up with their smoldering and their insane catalog of noises, but it’s neat to be in the middle of the hustle and bustle. Life is a mixed bag, so obviously some things are much harder to keep up living in Astoria. Seeing friends is harder when most of them are an hour train ride away. Wearing any shoe that’s not uber-supportive is like playing with fire. And then there is the noise issue. Never before have I lived in apartment complex with real 9 - 5 working adults and children in elementary school and elderly people who shuffle about.

Never before have I worried so much about interrupting the afternoon naps or sleep schedules of others, or about generally infringing on their sound space. I have no concept of how thick the walls are, so my sound levels tend to be between like a mouse and, hmm, maybe one of the slightly quieter owls? I’m fairly good at keeping my noise contained, but unfortunately there is one huge obstacle: I’m currently writing a musical. Two days a week, Adam and I work on song composition and demo recording. Singing out gives me all the nerves. Not the “you’ve got a lotta nerve” kind, the nervous wreck kind. Here are just a few of the thoughts and feelings that I’ve had while recording singles.

  • “Why is my voice so goddamn loud?!?” - I’ve been plagued by this one since elementary school. I would try my hardest to whisper at sleepovers when we were supposed to be asleep, but it would only take about five minutes for my pssts to build into a mighty roar that united my friends against me. I tried, I really did, but it couldn’t be helped. Now when recording I try desperately to manage the untethered belt that fights to escape my torso. On the bright side, it could facilitate a second career as an auctioneer! I’d just have to get good at tongue twisters first.
  • “What if everyone in this building works the night shift?” - Sure, that might seem unlikely, but it wouldn’t have to be the whole building! What if the people in the apartments directly above and below and to the sides around me all work the night shift? That’s only like five apartments! That could be true, in which case I’m sure they’re all plotting my murder when the singing picks up around noon. Plus, the above and below apartments have access to my same fire escape. It’s only a matter of time, I should prepare my will.
  • “What if the people near me have finicky babies?” - I’ve seen What To Expect When You’re Expecting, so I know how stressful babies are. They are like sleep tyrants! If I’m responsible for stirring these perfect angels when they finally settle down, I might as well be the demon whipping their parents over the fires of hell like in some old-timey illustration. It should be noted, those demon-things are always super unattractive, so this personification sucks for me on many levels.
  • “What if I’m ‘that guy’?” - Ok, maybe no one is getting torn from their sleep, but what if lots of people hear me, and then they talk to each other about it, and I become that person who unites the neighbors who didn’t get along before, but now they do because they have mutual hatred. Hatred of me. I am a hate dumpster and everyone talks about it like a scene from a Mean Girls/isolation drama movie hybrid.
  • “What if I’m being taped through the window to sell to some cringe-humor show because I’m a joke, and not in the way where I intend to make jokes, but rather in the way that this is all going to crash and burn and everyone will watch?” - This happens to people. And many people are cruel. This could happen to me.
  • “What if some old, disgraced, fallen from stardom musical writer lives above me. And they start to listen in, and they decide that my idea is good, so they start recording our recording sessions, but then they also make all the songs slightly better, and then they use their connections to produce the better version of my musical and I’m shafted and sidelined forever like when the other guy wrote the musical Phantom and it was way better than Phantom of the Opera, sorry not sorry, but because the story was public domain in one country a more famous guy wrote Phantom of the Opera and funding was pulled from Phantom and now basically no one knows it and that sucks and that could be my life!”

Yes, it is a seriously upsetting but I think understandable thought spiral. Being a writer is scary. Putting your heart into something is hard. And singing as yourself when strangers can hear you but they really didn’t sign up for it? I sincerely believe that could be the plot of the next goosebump-inducing horror flick.

I’m shuddering already.

-K
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4 Social Networking Sites That The World Needs

4/18/2016

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What more could you want on your newsfeed?

I put my inventor-brain to the test and came up with four fun new social network ideas. At different points in my life, I would have thrived from the use of each of them. If only they could exist, this crazy world would be a tiny bit easier to navigate.

Rig Your Romance
You know what sucks a lot? Going home for the holidays to a slew of “are you seeing anyone”s, going solo to a wedding and having all the sad drunks hit on you because they assume you’re feeling especially single and vulnerable, and people trying to set you up because they assume that if you’re alone you’ll be open to having another person, any person, to keep you company. The solution to all of these outside annoyances is to Rig Your Romance. This site would allow you to find a partner with whom to paint a very unreal picture of your life. Maybe all of his brothers just got married and he wants his mom to stop looking at him with disappointment. Maybe you have a reunion to go to and you just want to rub a goddamn investment banker in the face of that jerky ex-boyfriend of yours. You can help each other, and you can find each other here. Take some pics together to upload to Facebook, go in tandem to the events that you’ve agreed upon, and enjoy your single life without having to stomach the (very loud) “insights” of people (usually older) who don’t get why you’re happy to be alone!

Split The Pie
I had the luck and the frustration of living alone my senior year at Pitt. It was pretty awesome overall, but most living situations are a mixed bag in one way or another. For me, one thing that made me wish for roommates was the craving for pizza. Don’t get me wrong, I ordered pizza a lot, but with no one there to balance me out I often thought, “I can do this” and then ate so much pizza that I didn’t feel like a human being for about 24 hours afterwards. It kind of takes the fun out of delivery when it leaves your body totally decimated. If only I’d had a roommate, I could have shared the pizza and only consumed enough to leave me happy full, not full of regrets. Thus “Split The Pie: The Pizza Party App.” On this network you’ll be able to locate others near you who would like to go halfsies on a pizza. Their profiles will contain info like their favorite TV shows to discuss over dinner, their favorite toppings and libations, and if they like to be the eater who pays on their credit card or the eater who reimburses the other with cash. To prevent you from getting psycho-murdered, each pizza partyer will have ratings by past pizza partners, so you’ll have an idea of what kind of experience is in store for you. This network will get you your half-a-pizza and help you make friends along the way.

GirlSquad
Sure, pizza-sharing friends are all well and good, but what if you need more? Like a Taylor Swift level of more? The girl squad has grown in popularity recently, but the concept is anything but new. This network would function a little bit like a dating site, including many personality quizzes and an inventory of your favorite things to match you with compatible friends. But the real pièce de résistance would be the many filtering options. Do you aspire live out Sex And The City? We’ll have a quiz to find out which of the original four best fits your personality, let’s pretend it’s Carrie, and then we’ll locate your most compatible Charlotte, Miranda, and Samantha in the area! Try a brunch on for size, see how the dynamics play out! Or are you looking to run squad-deep, Spice Girls style? We’ll help you get your girl group together! Looking for the Amy and Tina to your Maya? We’ll be the app for that! This network is especially good for gals (or gender fluid individuals or anyone who would like to be in one of these girl squads!) who are moving to a new area. It’ll help them make a solid group of friends with ease! Hopefully. We’ve just gotta perfect the algorithm and we’ll be golden!

Petbook
This idea is fluid and also probably my best one yet. It doesn’t have to be constructed in the style of Facebook, it could also be Petstagram! Most of us already follow some adorable puppies or super-furry cats on Instagram (I’m not here to judge your preferences). I’ve also been invited to several Facebook groups dedicated solely to cute animal pictures and videos. Petbook/Petstagram would take this a step further, mandating that your profile can only include posts and photos that feature your animal friends. Besides the prolonged dopamine rush that would come from logging on to such a site, the guidelines would prohibit so much of the behavior that can make Facebook unbearable. Does your dalmatian have a political stance? I think not! And unless you’ve constructed one of those communicator collars like from UP! and gotten such information from the dog’s own mouth, you claiming they align any one way would be a great infringement. No politics. No negativity. And while you might cringe when someone writes paragraphs dedicated to their “totally amazing” significant other, complete with mushy PDA selfies, you know you won’t mind the same kind of post as long as it's about a corgi! You just won’t! Kittens all day, ere’day. It’s the key to mental health. We should trademark it.

So if anyone happens to be a computer genius and wants to help me with a startup, I will not do to you what happened to Justin Timberlake in the Facebook movie. (I haven’t actually seen it, but I’m pretty sure he gets screwed over.)

-K​
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5 Cautions To All Would-Be Freelance Writers

4/15/2016

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The Blanket Cocoon: A totally acceptable look for freelance writing.

I know what you all must be thinking when you look at my constant pictures in pajama shirts and read about how I haven’t moved from the couch in four days: Wow! What a glamorously lethargic life! That freelance writing lifestyle might just be for me! Well, slow your roll, aspiring po-ta-toes. It’s not all glitz and endless trips to the kitchen, though, truth be told, the trips may be plentiful. While much of the freelance writing process is open to a slovenly appearance, bizarre mannerisms, playing your weird music as loud as you want, fill in more obnoxious behavior here, there are some things you must remain mindful of. Below I have detailed my cautions for potential new writers:

Step Away From The Away Message
Perhaps you don’t think about your Skype away message. That would be understandable. I certainly don’t think about mine. But just last week I had to Skype a potential client, so I added them as a contact and this popped up: “When you tell me I'm the only one you need, sweet and tenderly. And your love, it breaks the clouds surrounding me.” What am I supposed to read from that? Now, I clearly let my freak flag fly when it comes to Twitter, blogging, etc, but this is Skype! If you’re in the freelance realm, it might as well be LinkedIn! Would you post “I am an alien from a faraway galaxy. I have transformed myself into this away message. As you are reading this, I am having sex with your eyeballs. I know you like it because you're smiling” on your LinkedIn? I sincerely doubt it. Just don’t fill out an away message! Or if you must, do a dad-joke style quip that you could say around the water cooler or to a five-year-old. That’s safe. Also, keep an eye on your Skype pic. I suggest you make it match your freelancer profile pic, rather than a picture that appears to be a bare butt but is actually your elbow crease looking rather voluptuous. That’s a bit too edgy for this gig.

Go For Walks
Before freelance writing, I wasn’t exactly the “outdoorsy type.” Though I suppose I’m not exactly “rustic” now. But there’s a funny thing that can happen when you spend your days sitting down in the same house where you spend your nights sitting down. You start to feel a little off. Like maybe, just maybe, this is as far as the world expands. Like the house is your own personal matrix. Your life is a science fiction novel. The colors of the interior seem to fade, all becoming shades of gray and sepia. Your senses begin to dull. Outside noises startle you. If you don’t escape the confines of this couch in this room, you will certainly become a literal pod person. Any room can be a pod, after all. So go for walks. It’s good for you. Nature relieves stress. The outdoors is pretty. Real colors exist there. And on the plus side, you’re your own boss. You can go for walks every 3 hours if you really want to. You can bring your computer and walk all day! That might defeat the purpose, but the point, because there is a point, is that you should walk.

Prepare To Be Ghosted
Ghosting is a term now used when someone stops texting someone else out of the blue and NEVER ACKNOWLEDGES THEM AGAIN. This has become a common practice in the dating world, which is pretty depressing. Our generation has a thing about not being the bad guy or having difficult conversations, according to surveys I’ve read online, so many solve the “breakup that isn’t really a breakup because we weren’t official” issue with radio silence. That blows. And you know what blows even more? Sending a full assignment, then the edits requested to a client and having them NEVER ACKNOWLEDGE YOU AGAIN. How often does this happen? All. The. Time. It’s really upsetting. You need your clients to end the jobs so that they can give you ratings. If they never respond, you have to end the job after a few weeks because open jobs with no activity lower your job success score. If you end it and they’re unresponsive, you’ll never get a rating from them. So essentially, working on a freelance site is like dating a ton of people who don’t appreciate you and ghost once you commit. Yes, there are many wonderful clients who restore your faith in humanity just a little bit, but you can become very cynical very fast in this online community.

Pantslessness IS Next To Godliness, But…
This is a hard one. One of the best things about being a freelancer is that you don’t really need to wear clothes. Like, ever. You can do pjs all day, every day. This is what your elementary self dreamed about! You aren’t a square, you’re a squiggly goddamn line! Pants aren’t even a strong suggestion when you’re a freelance writer, they’re 100% optional! No one cares because no one is there! You can even Skype pantsless, so long as you put on a nice tunic...but then there is the danger. And a serious danger it is. I understand if you, like I, believe that pantslessness is next to Godliness. Home is where the pants aren’t. No pants are the best pants. But when you’re suddenly given the green light on a mostly-pantsless existence, you’re likely to become less mindful about your pantslessness. Dear reader, if you become a freelance writer and take advantage of pantsless Skyping, DO NOT, under ANY circumstances, stand up. Don’t stand up. Nothing can make you. You just have to remember to stay down. And there are several other issues that can affect you in that vein. Don’t tip you laptop camera too low. Don’t cross your legs in a new way, or really move your legs at all. They should be like marble columns, forever holding up the cathedral ceiling of your Macbook. If you think you can keep your cool and your butt in your seat even if a bug flies at you, then you’re more prepared to freelance than I’ll  ever be.

The Hunger
The warning signs are plentiful and varied. Fidgeting. Gorging on comforting foods all day long. An uptick in social media stalking. The urge to invite every delivery person in for a cup of tea. A slightly scary increase in how much you relate to the characters on the shows you watch. You might burst into tears just because Rebecca finally kisses Greg (please, go watch Crazy Ex-Girlfriend). The carnage a Pixar movie would wreak on you? You don’t even want to know. Friends, the main problem with freelance writing is that it is locationless. Great when you don’t have to be at work by a certain time and when you want to watch half a season of a sitcom in the middle of the day without the judging looks of others, not so great over time. Especially for introverts and ambiverts like myself (represent!), this can be a major issue. I have a tendency to hermit, because it’s comfy. It’s a lot of work to leave the house! So many factors! Putting on bras! But no matter how much you like alone time, you will eventually fall victim to The Hunger. The Great Hunger for interpersonal contact. Thankfully, this kind of “The Hunger” is easier and less messy to remedy than most other “The Hunger”s. Think cannibals, vampires, zombies, and so on. If you’re going to freelance write, make sure that you schedule regular social appointments. Join a book club or get a group together to watch a weekly TV show. The Bachelorette is two damn hours, so you’ll get to catch up with friends during the many many commercial breaks. No matter what, be proactive in relieving isolation. Because really, that delivery person could be waiting for an opportunity to cannibalize you, and that invitation to tea would be the perfect excuse. All “The Hunger”s are dangerous. If you remember nothing else, remember that.

-K
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    And so the post-grad struggle begins. Thanks for spectating the merry-go-madness!

    Kayla Martine

    -- Film-Maker -- 
    -- Opinion-Haver -- 
    -- Free-Lancer --

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