Stuck living at home after four years of true independence? (Or imagined independence?) I understand your struggle. I'm here to help you seem like a serious old person. ​Adulting made easy. You’re welcome.

Bring Up Politics, Often And A Lot
What can prove that you’re a real grown up like being informed? Better yet, being informed and outraged! Yes, watching the news is depressing and a sure way to harsh your mellow, but thank the Millennial Gods because your iPhone now has a News App built in! You can constantly find updates on politics, global issues, the stock market, and many other boring old-person topics of conversation! But knowing things isn’t enough, your application of this information is what’s really important. At least once a day, bring up a hot topic that you read about with a scathing opinion of your own superimposed upon it. You’ll annoy the shit out of your parents, but in the same way that certain people from their offices do! Adult people. Mission: Accomplished.

Stress The Stress
One thing that almost every full-time-working-grown-up has in common is a totally unregulated and unreasonable level of stress. Really debilitating tension. You’ve seen those Type A kids at the library, literally tweaking from trying so hard (aka me for the last four years), so you can totally emulate that emotion! Channel unbalanced chi with hair so pouffed that it could pass for a wig. Frizz is your friend, and dark circles are icing on your disheveled cake! Consume as much coffee as possible when in front of your parentals. When they ask how you are or how you’re feeling, shake your head for a moment, sigh, and say, “fine.” That’ll drive the idea home. Also, no matter what time of day, if you’re headed to your room and they ask, “What’re you up to?” ALWAYS answer, “Working.” Always. And technically it’s never really a lie. You could be working on your REM cycle, or working on catch-up with How To Get Away With Murder. You won't lie, but you will drive home the strung-out situation.

Keep It Poppin’ With Pills!
You know what old people have? Ailments. Fear of dying. Etc. And for every passing discomfort and wary thought of well-being, there is a pill for that. Prominently display your SMTuWThFS sectioned box upon the countertop of your kitchen. Each compartment should be overflowing with supplements and such. And each pill should be a reason to get up on your soapbox (or up on your pillbox, hehe). Obviously you need fish oil for Alzheimer's prevention! Aren’t they taking it? And if they aren’t oil pulling (with coconut, obvs), don’t even get you started! Though, obviously, that kind of negligence is a totally valid reason for you to get started and keep going for hours on end.

Solidify Your Status As A Weekend Warrior
Luckily, you used to be a master of Tetris-ing your weekend plans. Brunches, Netflixing, pre-games, post-games, sports games, drinking games, coffee dates, unfortunate Tinder rendezvous, and hangouts, you fit all of that into a two-days-and-an-evening timeslot. You need to harness that event crunching ability, but now while replacing booze with self/home-improvement. You never used to have time to work out? Now you’ll train for your half-marathon on Saturday and head to yoga on Sunday. You never liked to cook? Now you make flavored coffee syrups so that you can make your own Pumpkin Spice Lattes at home. Being an adult means that you actually have to DO the things on your Recipe and DIY Pinterest boards! The ideal here is obviously to run circles around your parents all weekend. You need to Weekend Warrior harder than they ever have, because then they’ll simply have to venerate you as the Master of Adulting.

Anyone can perform adulthood. I’m sure you’ll all be Oscar-worthy <3

-K

Another chapter of the bloogk! The saga of The Poor Twenty-Something's Guide To Mixology continues!

I’m not a big fan of fountain drinks. The strength of the carbonation often makes my eyes tear up, much like a particularly rough shot of whiskey. In a strange juxtaposition, I only consume fizzy beverages when they’re mixed with liquor. I’m not alone. I know many a calorie-counting college chick who lives by the maxim, “Soda: Only as a mixer or a chaser." This allowance makes a lot of sense. Though each substance has its own distinct burn, soda cuts the bite of the liquor in a really appealing way.

Most college students I know drink far more soda than fruit juice, both on it’s own and as a mixer. It’s inexpensive, it’s accessible, and it pleasantly mixes with almost any alcohol. Another huge reason to pair soda with your booze? Bubbles! The carbonation packed into every bottle of pop will speed along the feelings of inebriation, so you’ll probably end up drinking less in the long run. You’ll still get your buzz, but also save cals and cash. Not to mention the fact that your liver will appreciate the break! Ok, so your liver might still be pissed and plotting to overthrow you, but mine probably is too, if it’s any consolation.

So why wait? It's Friday, after all. Throw aside your cares and throw down a couple of carbonated concoctions that are sure to provide a delicious distraction from your weekly worries and woes. After all, that’s the purpose of this blookbog! To overuse alliteration and share the joy of mixology with our generation! (I also like rhyme. This is my space and I will be as lame as I want to be.) Use these recipes to enjoy your life just a little bit more, by enjoying what you drink!

Cuba Libré
Like most girls I know, I’m a sucker for a man with a killer accent. For whatever reason, everything sounds more attractive when it’s said in Spanish. I mean, “Sacá la basura” and “Puedo ir al baño?” sound downright sexy next to “Take out the trash” and “Where’s the bathroom?” In the same way, the Cuba Libré sounds way more exotic than the tired old Rum & Coke. Just be sure to have your trusty lime juice ready, so you can authentically zest up this classic drink and spend the evening dreaming of Enrique Iglesias. Or, for the nonromantics among you, try pairing your Cuba Libré with some Taco Bell takeout and get bombed with your burritos! Either option sounds pretty damn good to me. (If you haven't, check out the intro for measuring hints!)

Ice to the top of the ribbed section.
Add two shots of rum.
Fill with cola to the lower top line.
Add lime juice to taste.

Bar Price: $6.00 - $7.00 (Double)
Home Price: $0.65

Whiskey & Coke
Almost every time I make this drink at the bar, a customer has specifically asked for a Jack & Coke. Being money conscious as I am, I have no idea why someone would spend that extra dough to mix a name brand whiskey with cola. That fizzy crap can clean blood off the street! If I’m shellin’ it out for a higher caliber of liquor then I will be sipping it on the rocks, maybe even shooting it down, but never dreaming of diluting its flavor with something as strong as Coke. Maybe what I really can’t imagine is buying liquor that’s over $20 for a fifth. In whatever case, I think the frugal-fied version of this drink kicks plenty of ass without breaking the bank. Get your hands on some of that amber elixir and mix to your heart’s content! You won’t regret choosing the recipe, but I can’t make any promises about the choices you’ll make after having a few.

Ice to the top of the ribbed section.
Add two shots of whiskey.
Fill with cola to the lower top line.

Bar Price: $6.00 - $7.00 (Double)
Home Price: $0.66

Highball
Now here is a true old-school classic! The only person I know who drinks ginger ale is my grandpa and many of my whiskey enthusiast friends are also older men, so this really might be the “Distinguished Older Gentleman’s Drink” of the book. By default, I think the Highball could prove itself to be a tried and true drink of the hipster masses, who only have yet to discover its allure. After all, hipsters borrow from the elderly gentlemen demographic all the time! Imitation bifocals, oversized cardigans with patched elbows, record players spinning Sinatra, haircuts straight out of a ‘50s scrapbook, and the list goes on! Just to clarify, I have nothing against hipster culture. I myself have many oversized sweaters and my record collection features several stellar albums of jazz. I understand the allure of all things vintage. If you do too, give a nod to the wiser generation and settle back with this old fashioned cocktail. It’s so simple and tasty that you’d be a square NOT to give it a try!

Ice to the top of the ribbed section.
Add two shots of whiskey.
Fill with ginger ale to the lower top line.

Bar price: $6.00 - $7.00 (Double)
Home price: $0.66

(Rest of the chapter to come next Friday)

-K

Two Juices Are Better Than One!
Though single-juice mixers are refreshing and delicious, sometimes you want a flavor that’s a little more complex. Combination juice cocktails are a great way to shake up your drinking routine while getting rid of those near-empty bottles cluttering your fridge! In the spirit of resourceful housewives and poor college kids around the globe, these drinks scream, “Waste not, Want not!”

Sea Breeze
This first combo may come as a relief to some of you intoxicatory adventurers. You may have gotten so excited to make Salty Dogs that you bought a big-old jug of grapefruit juice, only to realize afterwards that that stuff is potent as Hell. Here is a recipe that can put that juice to good use while diluting its strong taste! I also suggest that fans of the Cape Codder try this mixer, as it adds a new dimension of flavor to the classic cooler. You may decide to try the Sea Breeze because the advance to three-ingredient cocktails makes you feel like a true mixologist. If that’s the case, use the memory device Very Cold and Gusty to make this drink on the fly, impressing your friends, neighbors, and party guests! No matter your reason for mixing, this is a good recipe to have up your sleeve. Everyone likes to sip on something fruity once in a while, but many options are too sugary sweet to suit the general drinking population. The Sea Breeze is fresh but not frilly, giving it (and you as its creator) mass summery appeal! (If you haven't, check out the intro for measuring hints!)

Ice to the top of the ribbed section.
Add two shots of vodka.
Fill with cranberry and grapefruit juice to the lower top line (pouring in both at the same time mixes them better and also makes you look like a knowledgeable bartending badass).

Bar Price: $6.00 - $7.00 (Double)
Home Price: $0.72

Bay Breeze
The Bay Breeze is a sister drink to the Sea Breeze that you've just added to your bag of tricks. Why might the Bay Breeze be right for you? If you gag at the thought of pucker-inducing grapefruit, pineapple juice is a delicious substitute with a less violent punch. Pineapple adds a tropical sweetness, the perfect alternative if you’re more laid-back hula-chick than tightly-wound ballerina. To recall ingredients in a pinch, remember the phrase Very Cold Pineapple. Of course, you can always reference the bloog while mixing. I feel no shame looking up recipes in front of guests because there are literally thousands of drinks out there, you can’t possibly know them all. All the same, knowing a few cocktails off the top of your head is a fun way to remind everyone that you are a genuine Jack-of-all-trades. Or Jane. Or Jade, because gender neutral names rock.

Ice to the top of the ribbed section.
Add two shots of vodka.
Fill with cranberry and pineapple juice to the lower top line.

Bar price: $6.00 - $7.00 (Double)
Home price: $0.76

“Malibu” Bay Breeze
If you like Piña Coladas, then chances are you’ll like this drink regardless of how you feel about getting caught in the rain. Nothing makes ya cringe like a good lyrical pun, huh? The Malibu Bay Breeze has all the classic Piña Colada elements, rum, coconut, and pineapple, but with an added twist: cranberry juice. To build this tropical drink you simply modify the Bay Breeze recipe, substituting coconut rum for vodka. You can also mix a Malibu Sea Breeze by making the same substitution, but those don’t seem to be as popular. I’m assuming that’s because of the grapefruit. Poor grapefruit, it just isn’t appreciated anymore! Maybe we can enter another grapefruit fad in the next few years. Grapefruit could be flagged as cancer-fighting or immune-boosting, then maybe health nuts and Oprah addicts alike would stockpile them like squirrels preparing for winter. Maybe. In the meantime, if you aren’t diggin’ the grapefruit you can just make yourself a frugal-fied Malibu Bay Breeze and escape to the island of your dreams! Or at least listen to Jack Johnson on your sofa.

Ice to the top of the ribbed section.
Add two shots of coconut rum.
Fill with cranberry and pineapple juice to the lower top line.

Bar price: $7.00 - $8.00 (Double)
Home price: $1.04

Madras
Ah, Madras. Gracing the Bermuda shorts of retirees as they visit golf courses on every coast. Much like this print is a classic in the world of textile, orange juice and cranberry juice reign as go-to mixers in the college community. If you love both Screwdrivers and Cape Codders, then you may be striking yourself upon the head and wondering, “Why didn’t I think of this before?!?” No need to be upset, my wayward chum! This drink remains unknown to much of our generation, so now YOU can add it to your arsenal and introduce it to your lucky party-going peers! In terms of recipe, this is another one that fits into the Breeze family. With the memory device Very Cold Outside, you are now equipped to bartend your own Juice-Mixer Party! Get a group together and have everyone pitch in for a jug of grapefruit juice, pineapple juice, one or two jugs each of cranberry and orange juice, and enough vodka to inebriate the crowd! What better way to shake up your ho-hum shot-taking routine? Because there are so many options, no one will have to try the same drink twice! That is, unless they want to, in which case you should mix them up as many repeats as they can handle. It’s a really cool feeling when you get to help someone discover their new favorite cocktail, and it’s a feeling you’re likely to experience with your newfound knowledge of mixology. And hopefully someone in your circle will love Salty Dogs, because that’s guaranteed up your cool factor when you go out as group. Guaranteed.

Ice to the top of the ribbed section.
Add two shots of vodka.
Fill with cranberry and orange juice to the lower top line.

Bar price: $6.00 - $7.00 (Double)
Home price: $0.72

Look out for my next installment, when I'll start serving up some bubbling brews!

-K

 

 

 

 

Here’s the most important current event post you’ll read all week: today marks the *official* return of the Starbucks Pumpkin Spice Latte.

This event holds extra-significance to me, because this time last year I was not a coffee drinker. This is my first chance to enjoy the autumnal elixir that has amassed a Beyoncé-worthy following. The excitement of the masses regarding this drink is downright insane. So, in accordance with the hedonistic anarchy that’s sure to take over at lunch-hour, I suggest that we consecrate this date as a national holiday. Every holiday needs traditions and rituals, so I’ve outlined some appropriate options below. Today may we all tuck our yoga pants into our UGG boots, proclaim our instas to be filter-less, and have an on-fleek Basic-Bitchmas, one and all.

Sharing Tangible Tidings
Wishing someone a happy holiday is ok, but there’s something so beautiful about doing it in card form. Like, someone actually made the effort to get your address, physical or digital, and design you a greeting that’s aesthetically pleasing! Plus, this tradition fits quite naturally into your regularly scheduled Bitchmas-tivities, because, let’s be real, you were going to take a picture of that cardboard cup anyways. Put that high-angled selfie to good use by slapping on some customized text and sending it to the inboxes of all of your semi-close acquaintances. It will show them that you remember they exist and keep the communal spirit of Bitchmas alive!

Make It A Meal
All major holidays involve a ceremonial gathering around a table. For Thanksgiving and Christmas it’s a gathering with a home-cooked meal (sorry for exclusions there, I was raised very Lutheran and have attended no other winter holiday celebrations), on Valentine’s Day we make reservations at over-priced restaurants, and after trick-or-treating you gather at a table to engage in the annual Halloween bartering ritual. Basic-Bitchmas should be no exception. Gather a group of your closest friends and sit around a coffee-shop table with your piping-hot lattes. Have someone, perhaps your group’s resident “elder,” say a few words to consecrate the liquid meal. They could speak of early 2003, when a group of researchers met in the Liquid Lad at Starbucks headquarters and made a discovery that would change a generation. Or how the PSL is available in 50 countries, uniting the nations in a GLOBAL holiday phenomenon. Or how much it hurts to burn your tongue because you were too excited to wait till the coffee cooled, since that’s relatable and brings the convo back down to Earth.

The Songs Of Starbucks
I love to carol. Christmas music is one of my favorite parts of the holiday season, and I see no reason why Basic-Bitchmas doesn't deserve some carols of its own. Watch the video below and feel free to sing these songs whenever the Pumpkin Spice Spirit hits!

Keep it well-spiced, my Sippin' Sisters <3

-K

Just a note for my regulars: I had a full, super-cool project done for you today. And my computer ate it. Literally ate it. After all that hard work, I know. So it's gone now.

BUT I am redoing it this afternoon and it will be up tomorrow. So you few every MF fans, just check back tomorrow. And thank you for being my few fans.

<3 Kayla

College is a magical place. It is there that we twenty-somethings, soon to make up the workforce of full-fledged adults, make our bumpy transition to independence. Phantom umbilical cords are snipped, steady paternal cash flow cut off, and we’re booted out from the comfort of our nests, left to fend for ourselves. There’s no shock quite like the sudden need to find your own worms.

It was that shock wave that barreled me over when my parents dropped me off at the University of Pittsburgh. I was left in a city that I’d never seen before, bringing with me only a few boxes and a poster of my favorite oil painting, Starry Night. A woman of culture, I know. It was an odd, foreign feeling, realizing that in one afternoon my life had drastically changed and would never go back to the way it once was. I was now completely responsible for myself, with no one telling me what to do or how to run my life.

It was pretty fucking awesome.

But not always a cakewalk. I never had a real job in high school. My parents always provided spending money so that I could focus on my studies and extra-curriculars, but in Pittsburgh no one was going to throw $5 my way so I could go grab coffee or catch a movie. Luckily, I’m adaptable. I’m also a self-proclaimed bargain shopper, a mantle I’d taken up in adolescence out of guilt that now proved itself to be a valuable survival skill. I refuse to over-pay on any purchase, no matter how small, if I think I can find a better deal. At school, this translated into me pretty much not buying anything at all. I quickly realized that the majority of my classmates followed budgets identical to mine, spending money on two things alone: food and booze. Standard collegiate finance. Fairly universal. And understandable! We were operating with minimal coin, but refusing to give up on having a good time. This budget made sense. Even the most responsible and forward thinking scholars need to balance out the stress of papers and tests by letting loose on the weekend. And of course, for some, letting loose seems to be the main reason that they bothered with going to college at all. The proportion of frat boys to intellectuals on any given campus can really cripple the dating pool. But I digress.

How do we party while maintaining fiscal responsibility? Many pre-game their debaucherous festivities in an effort to curb later spending, and pre-gaming typically means one thing: shots. I have nothing against shots (especially when they’re tequila and come with a nice wedge of lime) and I recognize that they’re going to cost less than full-blown cocktails, but I also think that they get old fast. What can I say? I’m a girl who appreciates a little diversity in her life. Once I became a certified bartender, I realized how simple it actually was to assemble most popular drinks. On a night out, people would willingly fork over $5 or more for these cocktails that took less than a minute of effort. As I mixed $7 margaritas, I couldn’t stop thinking about how much people would save if they just made the damn things themselves. Great attitude for a Bar Maid, I know, but they were my peers and I empathized. All the money they’d save by mixing drinks at home was money they’d keep in their pocket, money that could buy more food and alcohol later down the line. Who wouldn’t want that for their friends?

With this revelation, the concept for my book was born. (Real life quote that I got from an agent: Its really fun, nicely voiced, well-written, but twenty year olds don't buy books. Try starting a blog.) I would compile a simple guide to mixology for those twenty-somethings who wanted to save money, but also enjoy their beverages. And look! It is done! Compiled! Though you all will get the recipes in installments. In the spirit of collegiate practically, the only measurement tools needed for these recipes are a shot glass and a solo cup. Two things that I assume most people reading this book (blog, SIGH) already have lying around. Popular collector’s pieces. The shot glass is used to measure liquor and is referred to in three ways: a half shot, a shot, and a to-the-rim shot. See the diagram below for a better idea of how these measurements are done. 

There are a few more important things to cover before we get started, so lets talk ice and straws. These may not seem like necessary attributes to your drinking festivities, but they do have the ability to elevate your experience. 

Let’s start with ice. Ice makes things cold. That may seem really obvious and pretentious to spell out, but take a moment and think about how much more enjoyable a beverage is when it’s really well chilled. It’s a notable difference. There are also several mixers within these pages that you don’t have to refrigerate, so you’ll save room in your icebox while ensuring that your drinks are frosty and delicious. Ice is also cheap. You can make it yourself just by filling a little plastic mold with water from the tap! If you entertain often, I highly recommend that you to invest in a set of ice molds. You can get them at any dollar store and they will last you a good long time. For larger get-togethers, you can always pick up a bag of ice (or two) from the grocery store. The ice will even make people drink slower, helping them realize when they’re actually intoxicated and thusly drink less overall. Less of your stuff. This keeps them happy AND keeps more money in your pocket (or rather, in your booze fund). It might also keep sloppier individuals from breaking your belongings, but that in itself is a whole new can of worms.  

So what’s so important about straws? For one thing, they’re a nice way to mix up a drink without having to shake it. While my bar patrons don’t often sip Highballs through a sip stick, they almost always use it to swirl around their ice before discarding. Straws also come in handy because just as hot air rises, so does vodka. When mixing the first few drinks of the juice chapter, I didn’t use a straw when taking my first sip. Such a mistake I shall not make again. Though one-mixer drinks don’t need to be shaken, the strongest concentration of liquor often floats to the top. Attempts to sip from the rim may be met with the singe of undiluted spirits. Since for our purposes we’re using incredibly cheap liquor, and unflavored to boot, this wouldn’t likely be a pleasurable experience. By simply adding a straw and sipping from the bottom of the cup (and poking it around in the ice a bit to mix things around) I was relieved to find that the drink was actually quite good. The lesson here: straws make everything better. Use them.

I think it goes without saying that most of the drinks in this book will be slightly different than they would be served in a bar. Almost every recipe will be for a double, since solo cups are so much larger than traditional cocktail glasses. This will be reflected in the price estimates so that you to see just how much bang you’re getting for your buck. (It’s a lot of bang.) I’ve also made creative substitutions to some recipes that make them home and budget friendly. The aim of this blogook is not to train you as a professional bartender or to eradicate your need to go out on the town. Instead, my hope is that this booklog will diversify your drinking at home, spice up the beverage selection at your dinner parties, and save you some money once in a while. When you buy that late night pizza with the dollars this bloogk has saved you, I hope that you think of me fondly. So lets get started. Run to your liquor store, grab a solo cup, and mix yourself something different tonight! 

-K

As you probably know due to efficiency at basic math, one-mixer drinks are the simplest cocktails to create. Their assembly isn’t terribly challenging, but if the elements are properly balanced then the taste can be spectacular. Fruit juices are among the most delectable mixers and are easy to acquire. They make especially good mixers because their potency cuts the “bite” associated with no-frills liquor. As liquefied fruit, juices also provide a sense of health and well being. While we slowly deteriorate our livers, we can remind ourselves that we’re ingesting lots of vitamins and nutrients. Thanks, natural mixers!

One-mixer drinks are often garnished with wedges of citrus fruit, giving customers the option to add another element of flavor. If cranberry juice is the only mixer in a glass, then it goes without saying that a lime should be served on the rim. A touch of lime works wonders in many drinks, but buying and slicing limes consumes a lot of time and money. Picking up a paring knife after a couple of drinks can also get precarious, so I certainly don’t advise that. I suggest instead that you buy one of those green plastic limes from the produce department, one that dispenses the same juice without the mess. They’re cheap, easy, and will last for ages. It’s a simple addition, but lime juice can really take a drink to the next level.

Since it's my first installment, I'll give you a full eight recipes in one shot. Because why not? If it was a book you'd get it all at once, after all! Hahaha. Ha. Ow. 

Screwdriver
The Screwdriver is an iconic single-juice cocktail and the ratchet equivalent to a Mimosa, for collegiate occasions that merit morning boozing. It couples the juice and liquor varieties that are most likely to be stocked in a twenty-something’s fridge. It’s pretty hard to mess things up when you’re mixing vodka and orange juice, but you can still use these measurements to track your drinks! I’m all for having a good time, but I know from experience that when you’re drinking something that tastes this good it’s easy to lose track and end up singing nursery rhymes outta a pile of garbage bags. These measurements also show just how much money you’re saving by making the drinks yourself. And let’s be real, everyone likes to have more money. (If you haven't, check out the intro for measuring hints!)

Fill a solo cup with ice to the top of the ribbed section. Add two shots of vodka.
Fill with orange juice up to the lower top line

Bar Price: $6.00 - $7.00 (Double) 
Home Price: $0.76

Cuban Screw
Though the Cuban Screw isn’t quite as popular as the Screwdriver, the substitution of rum adds a nice tropical twist to the original recipe. If you like rum, anyway. (I don't.) This drink boasts the same simplistic ease, while also allowing you to channel Pirates of the Caribbean mojo! Who doesn’t dream of being, or in the case of most women I know, being with, Captain Jack Sparrow? (I do.) Here is your chance, my soon-to-be-inebriated friends! Fill up your cups, swagger ‘round your living room, and ask every living soul, “Where has the rum gone?”

Ice to the top of the ribbed section.
Add two shots of rum.
Fill with orange juice to the lower top line.

Bar Price: $6.00 - $7.00 (Double) 
Home Price: $0.84

Brass Monkey
As a freshman, dirt-cheap frat party beer turned me off the hops completely. To be fair, it tasted more like murky lake water than an actual beverage. Now that I’ve experienced some more refined options, I like beer quite a lot. But, as you know, I’m more frugal than Frank of It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia. Yes, the man who wears jeans that he found in a trash bag down by the river. He did wash them first! So, how do we enjoy a brand that’s less “top-shelf” then it is “frosh piss”? I recommend this delightful hybrid: The Brass Monkey. Because really, orange juice makes anything drinkable!

Fill with beer to the middle of the ribbed section. 
Fill with orange juice to the lower top line.

Bar price: NA, not really a bar drink. 
Home price: $1.00

Mimosa
Few alcoholic beverages can be ordered in the A.M. without raising a few eyebrows. For whatever reason, society frowns on morning boozing unless you choose to pair your alcohol with a breakfast-time-appropriate juice. Thank you, Brunch Party Gods, for this loophole. Enter the Bloody Mary and the Mimosa, making vodka and champagne not only acceptable but fashionable as early as 9:00 A.M. Not being one for horseradish or Tabasco myself, I tend to opt for the Mimosa. Though it’s not the cheapest drink in the book, it’s certainly affordable if you switch out champagne for an inexpensive sparkling white wine! It may not be your go-to wallet-friendly cocktail, but some days we just need to sip on something a little bit classy.

Fill cup halfway up the ribbed section with sparkling white wine (preferably refrigerated). Fill with orange juice to the lower top line.

Bar price: $14.00 - $16.00 (Equivalent of two Mimosas) 
Home price: $4.87

Cape Codder
I can never help but picture tennis-playing housewives in pastel sweater-sets when I hear someone order a Vodka Cranberry. Whoever named this drink was clearly on my wavelength. The Cape Codder is refreshing and fruity, the perfect choice for a hot day by the pool or a humid night of shuffleboard. Prepare this cocktail if you’re hosting a posh party to watch tennis, a golf tournament, or, Granddaddy of them all, the Kentucky Derby. (Who has enough mint lying around to make a ton of Juleps?) Mix one up when you’re looking to get down with your bad country club self, just don’t forget to pick up some lime juice or you’ll be left with a cocktail that is drearily middle class.

Ice to the top of the ribbed section.
Add two shots of vodka.
Fill with cranberry juice to the lower top line.
Add a healthy squirt of lime juice.

Bar Price: $6.00 - $7.00 (Double) 
Home Price: $0.67

Greyhound
My name is Kayla Martine, I am a middle-class white girl who was on a diet from sophomore year in HS through junior in college, and I have never eaten a grapefruit. I’ve always thought it’d be like digging into a big pink lemon. Not something I find appealing. I never gave grapefruit much thought until I considered including the “Dog Drinks” in this book. I knew the recipes, but had never tried them out. I figured that the cocktails, much like the grapefruit diet fad, had probably fallen out of style. Do people even still eat grapefruit? The only time I’ve witnessed one being served was to Natalie Portman in Black Swan, where it was carrying some seriously negative connotations about the ballerina lifestyle. I mean, come on! If “Mmmmm pink!” is the only exclamation that can be made about your food, how is that meal supposed to be taken seriously? So, while eating a fresh grapefruit will remain on my bucket list, my recipe-building quest has led me to taste every combination of grapefruit juice and rail-liquor imaginable. My verdict? I hate grapefruits. But that doesn’t mean that you won’t like them!

Ice to the top of the ribbed section.
Add two shots of vodka.
Fill with grapefruit juice to the lower top line.

Bar price: $6.00 - $7.00 (Double) 
Home price: $0.76

* Here are some more Dog Drink variations for all you grapefruit lovers out there! Substitute your vodka with tequila for a Chihuahua, gin for a Bulldog, or Irish whiskey for a Lassie!*

Salty Dog
Once in a while, the name of a drink is so delightful that it’s the only reason you decide to order it. Even if you think you might really hate it, sometimes it’s impossible to resist the allure of a badass title. I love the idea of strolling into a bar, leaning against the weathered counter, and casually saying, “I’ll take a Salty Dog, good sir.” It’s tempting, imagining how cool and eclectic I would appear to my fellow patrons. The mystery! The nonchalance! The knowledge of obscure mixology! Then I remember that I can make my own drink at home and save the extra money for something that might make me seem cool and eclectic for more than fifteen minutes. Perhaps some vintage Ray Bans, an oversized pair of pastel headphones, or an autographed Simon & Garfunkel album. Regardless, it’s still a killer drink name.

To salt the rim of your cup: Take out two plates, paper if you can because it’ll get a little gross, and cover one with a fine layer of salt. Cover the other with either lime juice (sweetened or from concentrate), a splash of grapefruit juice, or water if you’re really low on resources. Place the cup upside down on the wet plate so that the rim is coated, then move the cup to the salt plate to do up your garnish!

Ice to the top of the ribbed section.
Add two shots of vodka.
Fill with grapefruit juice to the lower top line.

Bar price: $6.00 - $7.00 (Double) 
Home price: $0.81

Poor Man’s Piña Colada
Who doesn’t love a drinking song? A song about drinking? A drink you can sing about? Unfortunately in this case, the lyrics are pretty absurd. And by that I mean really, really bad. The singer wants to leave behind his established life, and steady romantic relationship, for a woman that he’s never met. He bases this decision solely on a short list of arbitrary things that they both enjoy. On most medical daytime TV shows, the doctors would assume from this irrational behavior that the guy must have a brain tumor. But at least the tune is catchy! And if you just sing the chorus and ignore any meaning in the words, you can maintain blissfully inebriated ignorance. Plus, sipping-and-singing is almost guaranteed to get your party going, since everyone likes a sing-along. Even the people you wouldn’t expect, assorted Tommy Lee Jones types and the like, will surprise you by joining in after downing a couple of rounds!

Ice to the top of the ribbed section.
Add two shots of coconut rum.
Fill with pineapple juice to the lower top line.
Bar price: $8.00 - $9.00 Home price: $1.13 

Coming Soon: Part 2 of The Wonderful World of Juice!

Oh, and obviously the drinks get much more complicated. I didn't write a book of putting two and two together, that would be very sad haha.

-K