I recently came across an article called “7 Moves For A Rockin’ Rack” on Pinterest. Needless to say, I guffawed. While perhaps targeted moves can perk up your pectorals, and thus the flesh atop them, they can’t make that much of a difference. Boobs aren’t made of muscles, y’all, and gravity isn’t going to let your chesticles be just because you did some chest presses. While I think that all racks of all kinds are rockin’, as someone who goes through life with a boob-shelf that I can rest my phone atop if my hands are full I thought it would be fun to come up with my own rendition of this kind of article. So here are 7 realistic moves to a rockin’ rack. Enjoy!
- Bagels & Bagels & Bagels: As I said earlier, and as most of you probably knew already, boobs are just fat. If you eat more, your boobs will grow. And for some reason, in my experience and the experience of some friends of mine, bagels especially seem to feed into the bust. Don’t ask particulars, but it does seem to be the case. And don’t order your bagels reduced fat cream cheese either. They just pump that shit full of sweeteners. That’s not necessarily going to affect your rack, I just have a problem with “big sugar,” or whatever they call it these days.
- Cross Your Arms: This works on so many levels. 1) It creates a boob frame. Long bangs can draw attention to your charming facial features. This position can do the same for your other assets. 2) It’s super supportive. For instance, if you’re walking down the stairs this can protect you from the shock of the many potential bounces. 3) This position makes you look disdainful, and thus in charge. In charge is always a sexy look.
- Contour ‘Em Like A Kardashian: Stage actors are no stranger to this one. The rest of you, prepare for the easiest contouring job of your life. Seriously, even if the cat eye is your Mount Everest, you can pull this off. Take a contouring (slightly dark) shade and just “V” it down your cleavage. Create the shadow that isn’t there and blend. If you don’t think it’ll look believable, Google “Rupaul cleavage.” 50% of that is makeup. At least. Padding can only do so much. So don’t doubt, V it out!
- “Are You There God? It’s Us, The Judy Blume Fans!”: Count nostalgia or superstition as your reason here, but why not try out the chant from Are You There God? It’s Me, Margaret. It’s the equivalent of casting a spell on your tatas. And guess what? There is a video of Judy Blume doing this herself! Use this link as an instructional guide: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XgTIUa2y7gY
- Become A Sports Bra Aficionado: Gravity is everywhere. Ant it only amplifies the bouncing force of aerobic activity. This can be chest-depressing. So if you want to be active, which, ick, but if you’re into that, you’re going to need to be chest-compressing. The less your boobs move when you exercise, the more rocking your rack will be. I could get specific here, but the reasons are kind of gross. I don’t like to think about tiny tears in my skin. Ew. Sorry. SO! Make sure you utilize real, hardcore sports bras. Will you have to double up? Possibly. Unlike with condoms, this really can offer double the protection. Will hardcore sports bras make your ribcage uncomfortable/impair your ability to breathe? Possibly. It’s a Goldilocks waltz, what can I say.
- Check Your Posture: I may be a serial sloucher, but this one really does the trick. Pulling your shoulders back can transition you from Igor to Pamela Anderson. From Yzma of The Emperor's New Groove to Beyoncé of the Lemonade-level ferocity. From Neville Longbottom in the Harry Potter films to the actor who plays Neville in his real life as an underwear model. From Donald Trump to Michelle Obama. That woman has it going on, seriously.
- Just Put Your Hands Up!: Really, if you want to accentuate your “rack,” the best thing to do is put your hands over your head. Instantly your boobs will vault up. It’s that simple. The way you do this, and how natural it seems, is up to you. Yawn. Stretch. Reach for something on a shelf. Do a tree pose. Make extending toward the sky your thing. However you choose to implement, make it your own.
A good mix of silly and serious, I’m 100 percent sure that these 7 tips are way more helpful than whatever muscular exercises Pinterest suggested I utilize. And again, your rack is already rocking. Just rock it, babe.