In honor of today’s PA primary, (yesterday I didn’t get to this post because I was on my way home to vote) (we have no NYC address at this point), here are some handy tips for where to wear your “I Voted” sticker. Because why not add some effortless grease to the sticky situations that life throws our way?
To See The In-Laws
Got some in-law tension that never seems to quit? Does your boyfriend’s mom treat you with the disdainful civility that an old-timey British matriarch would employ towards the well-born “player” who thinks he might have a chance with her daughter? In either case, you know what could buffer away some of that tension? Your prominently placed sticker. They may not like you, but when you’re clearly displaying what a responsible citizen you are, how aggressive can their dislike really be? Much like the presence of a small child or mutual acquaintance who is slightly more fond of you than them, the sticker will dull the serrated edge of their candor, thusly making your interaction easier, if only for the day.
On Your Hot Internet Date
It can be damn hard to start a conversation on one of these things, so wear your sticker on your shirt! Sure, politics can be a faux pas on such an occasions but, realistically, if his views make you want to spit in his face or something equally extreme, y’all probably aren’t about to get married anyway. Plus, who doesn’t want to introduce their mom to someone who’s responsible enough to make the time to vote? See above! That sort of thing paints a picture of you as someone who could conceivably co-parent a child! Or be a great puppy co-caretaker! Or who won’t steal your shit after you spend one night together and never speak again! Hey, to each their own. But to everyone their sticker!
Moral Highground Situations
Maybe you want to take two too many items in the express checkout lane. Maybe you want to park your car in front of a hydrant to run into a store just for a minute. Maybe you forgot the plastic bags when you took your (large) dog on a walk and he RUINED a patch of sidewalk and you had to run off to find some bags but it really looked like you were abandoning ship. Today, you voted. Can’t they see that? You made an effort, so the least that the world can do is accommodate you just a teeny tiny bit. Hopefully your sticker will deter some of the judgement in situations such as these or, at the very least, you can throw judgement right back! If someone on the path starts screaming at you for not getting the mound of RUIN off the sidewalk fast enough, but they don’t have a sticker on? Oh girl, here’s your slightly-irrational ammo to come right back at the hater.
To Slowly Drive Past A Trump-Supporter’s House
This is best executed with a car full of your fellow sticker-wearers. Roll down the windows. Play “We Are The World,” or a similar ballad of boundary-crossing love, as loud as you can without blowing out your speakers. If the hate-mongerer happens to look your way, sadly shake your heads in unison. While most of us don’t want to go to a Trump rally, as protesting often means getting physically assaulted, we can do our part on the streets. Sorry haterade drinkers, this ain’t Germany’s dark period 2.0 just yet. Let’s keep it that way.
To Da Club
Sure, if you bothered to do the whole Match.com thing your sticker will ease the first few attempts to get the pickaxe through the ice, but if you’re just single and ready to mingle why not wear this baby out on the town? Whether the bumpin’ dance floor or the dive bar is more your scene, you’re sure to attract other potential singles with this flyest of accessories. What more could one look for in another than a sense of civil duty? A sense of responsibility? Strong opinions? Someone who takes charge and plays a role in their own future? Someone who pushes all the right buttons? Just keep your sticker adhered when you go out for drinks and watch those eligible individuals fall in line. But Kayla, you might say, I don’t think this will move will attract all kinds of people. Correct! Those kinds of people who it will not attract are called scrubs. So you can thank your sticker for drawing in the kind of people you’re looking for, not the kind that TLC would judge you for chatting up.
Happy Primaries, everyone!