They may be funny, but these are functions I would seriously love to have at my disposal.
The Spastic Last Minute Wave
Really, why does the Facebook Poke exist? I have all of one person (Madam Kristen Ottens) who I poke-exchange with once in a while as a way of saying hello. That makes me smile. But literally EVERY other poke I’ve received has been creepy as hell. The Spastic Last Minute Wave would have a similar design, plus an actual purpose! You know when you see someone on the street, but too late to wave? And then you try to wave but it’s more of a flail, and they don’t even see the flail so it’s doubly uncomfortable? With this button you can let that acquaintance know that you saw them and in no way meant to snub them, all without the embarrassment of spasming into the abyss.
The Food Filter
The internet is a dangerous place to explore when you are nauseous. Whether you’ve had too much to drink or accidentally consumed a whole jar of peanut butter in front of your laptop, this filter will erase all food-related imagery from the page. This adblock-esque function is all about preventing the upchuck, and who doesn’t want to avoid the consequences of their shitty American eating habits? When I down a tub of icing because I “just can’t even,” I prefer to forget the damage done ASAP. This application should be adapted for Pinterest and Instagram as well.
The “Dude That Sucks” Button
I think that if every post had a dislike button, Facebook would become an even cattier place. However, when someone says that their dog died or that they lost all of their hair in a freak bleaching incident, you should have a way to show wordless solidarity. The Like button becomes a treacherous gray area in such cases. With the “Dude That Sucks” button, the poster could check a box that reads something like, “Does this thing suck?” If so, the site could tally something more appropriate than raised thumbs. Perhaps those slanty-frowning faces, shirtless pics of Ryan Gosling, or chocolate bar emojis.
Buy You A Drank
You can now securely send people money via Facebook Messenger. Why? Who knows. But this opens the door to all kinds of monetary misadventures! After a rough day, and me whining incessantly about it to my dad via FB Messenger, I would appreciate it if he bought me a drink. One problem: my family is far far away, nestled in Lancaster county. With the Buy You A Drank function, my dad could click a button and send me a drink coin. I could then take my phone to any participating bar, a real in-person one with real in-person liquor, and redeem the gift. It’s a comforting gesture that can bridge any distance!
The Bigot Bye-Bye
Hey, if Siri can correct Caitlyn’s pronouns (as incorrectly stated by the close-minded drones of the world) then a program could automatically clean out your friend list, right? I know I’m not alone in deleting FB acquaintances because they post something homophobic or transphobic. Wouldn't it be nice if I could click a button and have all the offending parties rounded up in one fail swoop? This is obviously the most difficult of my ideas to engineer, but I have faith in the coders. Plus, you can always scan through the list of names before accepting, “Are you sure you want to say bye-bye to these bigots?”
So, Facebook, consider this post my copyright. We can discuss my consulting fee later.