Stuck living at home after four years of true independence? (Or imagined independence?) I understand your struggle. I'm here to help you seem like a serious old person. Adulting made easy. You’re welcome.
Bring Up Politics, Often And A Lot
What can prove that you’re a real grown up like being informed? Better yet, being informed and outraged! Yes, watching the news is depressing and a sure way to harsh your mellow, but thank the Millennial Gods because your iPhone now has a News App built in! You can constantly find updates on politics, global issues, the stock market, and many other boring old-person topics of conversation! But knowing things isn’t enough, your application of this information is what’s really important. At least once a day, bring up a hot topic that you read about with a scathing opinion of your own superimposed upon it. You’ll annoy the shit out of your parents, but in the same way that certain people from their offices do! Adult people. Mission: Accomplished.
Stress The Stress
One thing that almost every full-time-working-grown-up has in common is a totally unregulated and unreasonable level of stress. Really debilitating tension. You’ve seen those Type A kids at the library, literally tweaking from trying so hard (aka me for the last four years), so you can totally emulate that emotion! Channel unbalanced chi with hair so pouffed that it could pass for a wig. Frizz is your friend, and dark circles are icing on your disheveled cake! Consume as much coffee as possible when in front of your parentals. When they ask how you are or how you’re feeling, shake your head for a moment, sigh, and say, “fine.” That’ll drive the idea home. Also, no matter what time of day, if you’re headed to your room and they ask, “What’re you up to?” ALWAYS answer, “Working.” Always. And technically it’s never really a lie. You could be working on your REM cycle, or working on catch-up with How To Get Away With Murder. You won't lie, but you will drive home the strung-out situation.
Keep It Poppin’ With Pills!
You know what old people have? Ailments. Fear of dying. Etc. And for every passing discomfort and wary thought of well-being, there is a pill for that. Prominently display your SMTuWThFS sectioned box upon the countertop of your kitchen. Each compartment should be overflowing with supplements and such. And each pill should be a reason to get up on your soapbox (or up on your pillbox, hehe). Obviously you need fish oil for Alzheimer's prevention! Aren’t they taking it? And if they aren’t oil pulling (with coconut, obvs), don’t even get you started! Though, obviously, that kind of negligence is a totally valid reason for you to get started and keep going for hours on end.
Solidify Your Status As A Weekend Warrior
Luckily, you used to be a master of Tetris-ing your weekend plans. Brunches, Netflixing, pre-games, post-games, sports games, drinking games, coffee dates, unfortunate Tinder rendezvous, and hangouts, you fit all of that into a two-days-and-an-evening timeslot. You need to harness that event crunching ability, but now while replacing booze with self/home-improvement. You never used to have time to work out? Now you’ll train for your half-marathon on Saturday and head to yoga on Sunday. You never liked to cook? Now you make flavored coffee syrups so that you can make your own Pumpkin Spice Lattes at home. Being an adult means that you actually have to DO the things on your Recipe and DIY Pinterest boards! The ideal here is obviously to run circles around your parents all weekend. You need to Weekend Warrior harder than they ever have, because then they’ll simply have to venerate you as the Master of Adulting.
Anyone can perform adulthood. I’m sure you’ll all be Oscar-worthy <3