There is a bizarre sentiment around certain technological wonders that they will somehow eliminate our need for romance. Well, 1) some people are aromantic and literally couldn’t give a damn about your assumptions of needing another’s adoration. And 2) A vibrator does not magically satisfy every need that we have, certainly not the romantic ones. It’s a fun bandaid, if you’re a romantic person, but it isn’t really a bullet that kill-shots into the heart of your dating soul. So stop with your weird vibrator stigma, if you’re one of the few that still thinks that’s ok to spew. It makes you seem really weird and obtuse.
No, if we really wanted to replace romance with robotics, we’d need to commit to quite a few upgrades. I will detail my best ideas below, so if you’re unreasonably squeamish, well, I don’t really know why you’re bothering with my blog at all. We have no squeamery here! (P.S. I will do my best to keep this non-gendered and open to any sexual preference, but do remember that I am writing from the station of my personal needs as a straight white female, so I’m sure that some of my innovations will harken back to that viewpoint.)
The Conversational Vibe
Here’s a news flash: vibrators are great, but they do not fill the void of interaction. They are a one-sided enterprise. In order to bridge that gap, build another interaction station, sex toys could be engineered to communicate verbally. I know that A.I. is scary and probably not something that you want to allow that close to your bodily openings because it could take over your mind like a brain-worm or something, but you could program auto-responses into this simple piece of machinery! There is no reason that a vibrator, fleshlight, or whatever can’t dirty talk. It’s not that hard. And the machine won’t get embarrassed, clam up, or panic and try to start a dialog utilizing the term “Daddy.” *shudders in horror* So, I guess what I’m saying is yes! If sex toys could talk, they might officially be stimulating in enough ways to form a relationship, even if that relationship is just Friend W/Bennies. (Ew. Sorry for that term existing now.)
The Panic Jacket with Hair-Caressing Action
Oh silly you, you thought this whole post was gonna be sexy-sexy-sexy time? I’m sorry, but we’re talking about eliminating the need for relationships. And by relationships I am not referring to some person that you text at 2 am, on weekends, after the party, to play Cards Against Humanity or whatever it is you do. I’m talking about the kind that you’ve long ago had the “We need to talk” talk with and now you guys are gross and stuff. This jacket is necessary to fulfill the comforting features of an inter-human relationship. Your torso will be pressured and squeezed in a way that can calm any cortisol-fueled breakdown. So that you don’t just feel like you’ve been strapped into a straight jacket, a mechanical arm will be attached, ready to pet your hair for as long as you want (without the arm getting bored). If you buy the fancier Chris Pratt model, the hand will also braid your hair for you.
The Handsome, Charming, Hologram
A list of things that a significant other can be in public: a buffer, a distraction for your mother, a crowd-entertainer, a friend-complimenter, and much, much more! It’s a good day when you can share the burden of social interaction with someone else! In the realistic future, this will probably be a paid actor in a studio somewhere, beaming into your family cookout to compliment your grandmother on her haircut. As long as you’re cool with outsourcing, that’s really no problem for you! Plus, if you’re a true people person and down to make a few bucks, you could really profit from this techno-turn of society. I might get in on the biz myself! I’m an excellent wedding date. Older people, small children, moms, they all tend to love me. And holograms are a safer way to sell your services because there’s no misapprehension that you’re a prostitute that way! Just a shimmery escort, dude, you literally can’t touch this.
That Robot From The Jetsons
Let’s be honest, when you’re in a real grown-up relationship, even one where you take your fair share of the work, you get to delegate 50% of the cleaning, cooking, pet-care, child-care, plant-care, whatever-care elbow-grease. When you’re sick, you have someone to make you soup and bring you medicine. When you’re working an all-nighter, you have someone to bring you coffee and gas-station baked goods. A cooking, cleaning robot, like from The Jetsons, is essential for when you want to take your relationship with technology to the next level. You need a partner, and this bustling bot can be just that.
In conclusion: sure, we could replace romance with robotics, if we really wanted to. But unless you’re really rolling in dough and really against human interaction, you’re probably better off not ruling out the entire human population. Unless you don’t care about all that, in which case, kudos! You are a truly self-sufficient person. For the rest of you, in times of hardship and singledom, never hesitate to ask a friend to hold you and pet your hair.
Friends > Technology.