I cannot count number of times that someone in a “concerned, quiet voice” has “whispered” in the company of many other people, “Oh no! You have wine mouth!” It’s a weird psuedo-shaming, like when you come home at 10 AM the morning after a party and someone in your dorm says, “You look like you had fun last night” with a bitchy undertone. It doesn’t matter if you fell asleep on a couch at the friend’s party, this dorm-mate has just committed some girl on girl crime with the application of their fake smile. Now, let this be clear to all of humanity: I REALLY do not give a fuck about having wine mouth. I refuse to drink white just to maintain my tooth-hue-integrity. I am neither embarrassed nor chastised by your clunky commenting style. If you need more reasons why, here they are.
Vampires Are So Hot Right Now
Vampires are like Hansel, and who doesn’t want to be like Hansel? He can ride a Razor scooter without looking like a dweeb! The reddish-purple tint of your teeth makes you look like you just dug into someone’s neck: positively vampiric. Vamp is chic, mon amies! People pay good money to look more like Edward Cullen, yet I can do it with zero effort and extra expenditure. You should be bowing down! Especially because vampires have super-tempers mixed with bloodlust and an unruly God-complex.
I love lipstick. I love to rock strong reds and burgundies in the fall and winter months. I used to curse my tan-less skin, the shade that has me relying on stage makeups with names like “porcelain,” “ivory,” and “Vitamin-D Deficient.” Thankfully, this flesh coating of mine makes me the ideal canvas for every lipstick color under the sun. I should totally get a navy blue, just to watch my mother have a heart attack when I wear it. (Love you, Fre). So, when you have that super dark pout and drink red wine, you can achieve color-cohesion throughout every mouthal layer! Monochrome will never go out of style. Just ask any stylist! It is a force of intense-outfit nature! Monochrome for your mouth is just a fashion statement a tad ahead of its time. Set the trend, babes.
Things White Wine Makes Me Feel Like
I will never shame anyone for their preference of anything, except bigotry, I guess, but here is a list of the ways that white wine makes me feel. Personal feelings. Feel or feel like:
- Sad and like a Real Housewife: Ready to throw the glass in anyone’s face or cry into it with my own mascara-heavy tears.
- Like I’m drinking the color beige.
- Like my whole life is a diet.
- Like I am literally too frail to handle anything with actual flavor.
- Like I’m drinking air, or murky water.
- Like I’m drinking the alcoholic equivalent of unflavored, unsalted oatmeal or grits.
- Like I am settling to be less than my best self.
- Like I’m having the no-frills, amicable yet passionless sex of an unhappy, middle-aged couple.
Zero Mistakes Were Made Here
My underwear is not showing. I did not spill something down my blouse. I did not lack grace, finesse, or devolve into some sloppy drunken sloshing motion. I simply drank. Perhaps even sipped. Stop acting like I should be concerned. I’m not. I don’t care that much about my appearance. Truly, you being that concerned about my appearance is concerning. And weird. Mind your own beeswax and keep your civility-coated cattiness far from me, ok? Don’t kill my vibe for something that stupid. As the Emperor would say, don’t throw off my groove.
Drink from the chalice of wine mouth, dear readers, and never ever apologize.