I love the holiday season. I love the holiday season. I LOVE THE HOLIDAY SEASON! Prepare for an onslaught of cheerful (and possibly drearfu) l holiday posts, after this stunning kickoff: How to make Black Friday your bitch!
Be A “Good Listener”
Isn’t it really cool when people remember the little things that you say, and then use your words against you to buy the perfect gift? Perhaps you said that sitting on your computer to work hurts your back, so your sister got you a yoga mat and instructional DVD for your birthday. Perhaps you remarked to a friend that you’ve been feeling lonely at home lately, and they responded by giving you a hand-crafted pet rock or an illustration of Ryan Gosling. In olden times, this thoughtful gifting required that you actually pay attention to others, but not so today! We have texting! Email! FB Messenger! Simply scan your conversations to find little quirks that can be turned into holiday gifts! Because you’ve got it in writing, these can be really obscure details, for gifts that say, “I listen to you, I might even listen much too carefully!” Perhaps you can find a full-body rain slicker jumpsuit for a friend who said who that they hate the rain, or sock suspenders for the friend who had a sock ride down into their shoe last week. It’s the thought that counts, and these gifts will give the impression that you thought really, really hard.
Now, you may say, “Kayla, how am I supposed to save a sizable amount of money in just a week and a half?” Honey, it’s child’s play, or perhaps more appropriately, young adult’s play! Especially if you’re making money, this task is no problemo! Firstly, cruise the interwebs and find all the events near you with free food. If you live near any older relatives, visit them. As often as you can while remaining in that gray area between thoughtful and suspicious. Sell old clothes, make your own coffee, and try to find a supplemental service that you can get paid to do. I’m considering finding socially awkward singles who will pay me to feed them jokes through an earpiece when they’re out on the town to meet other socially awkward singles and hopefully fall in socially awkward love! Find your strengths and capitalize on them, that’s the way to succeed in the modern USA. You can knock the Kardashians all you want, but the 18 year old one just bought a several-million-dollar house WITH HER OWN MONEY! They capitalize on their strengths, which no one can deny.
Let’s be real, we aren’t whippersnappers anymore. We don’t have boundless stores of energy that we can release on command. If we don’t imbibe of that sweet elixir that we call sleep, we end up looking like extras from The Walking Dead. No, if we old-timers want to kill it at Black Friday, we need to sleep train. Here’s the deal: Tonight, go to bed as early as possible and wake up by 5 AM. Repeat the next day, but waking up at 4:30. Each night go to sleep a dash earlier, and each morning wake between 15 and 30 minutes earlier. Eventually you will be going to bed directly after work and waking up around 1 AM! On Thanksgiving itself, go to sleep directly after eating and your body should have no trouble waking up to your 10:30 PM alarm! You will be so full of energy that you’ll be knocking moms and pre-teens out of your way in the pursuit of your many bargains.
Tailgate & Snack-Pack
Once you’re ready to dive into the pool of coupon cutter sweat and tears, you’re going to need to get your strength up. Assuming that you’re rolling squad-deep, park your van in the lot and get your coffee on before the grates are raised and the chaos begins. Assuming that Starbucks is not planning to have Black Friday hours, this is probably the best time to try out a homemade Pumpkin Spice Latte. Also likely your last chance of the season, it’s all gingerbread and peppermint schnapps and reindeer tears from here on out. Since you’ll be sleeping till the last possible minute, see if you can pressure your life partner/parental guardian/teenage son to prepare your brews, assuming that they won’t be joining you and also won’t be asleep by your 11 PM departure. You’ll want to bring a bag loaded with snacks when you enter the mall, for the purpose of maintaining stamina. I suggest GORP, almond butter packets, pixie stix (for energy bursts), caffeine patches, and the blood of your enemies, though you’re most likely to harvest that one on-sight, while you’re making and facing off with said enemies! You will be unstoppable! They will quake in your glory! You will get mittens at an incredible discount!
And where will I be when the midnight hour of Black Friday strikes? Probably in bed, passed out from my food coma. If anything, I’m more of a Cyber Monday girl.