Blonde maxims are both upsetting and hilarious. “Well, you are a blonde” (fuck you, Jokes Magee), “Gentlemen prefer blondes” (thanks, but debatable), “Blondes have more fun” (ok, but soon I’ll be a redhead and I think they really know where it’s at…). It’s a mixed pot. But the Barbie-isms? They aren’t the real best parts of the blonde life. Those are much more obscure and lovely.
Salon Quality Highlights
In middle school there was a wave of girls who went and got highlights done at the beauty salon. You know, the phase where the moms were more comfortable with streaking their daughters’ hair than they were with dying the whole mop? But every fall after a summer in the sun, all the blonde kids had highlights that could phone home for ET. We didn’t gleam, we GLISTENED. Like beachy beacons of bleachedness. And chemicals had no part in that business. If anything, we sprayed some lemon juice on there and called it a day. Thank you solar rays, and recessive genes, for these great gifts.
Do you remember when you played soccer in elementary school and on tournament day everyone wanted to spray their hair your team color? As the blonde kid, your hair takes that color like the champion you might not be. Green, blue, pink, whatever. And now extreme hair dye is in Vogue! Cool-Girls pound the street in packs looking like a crayon box! If you decide to go for permanent color in pastel tones, you won’t need to bleach that shit! Whether it’s Halloween or if you "sports-go-sports," these strands take pigment on demand.
Translucent Leg Hair
I believe that every woman should be able to choose not to shave her legs without being judged. Even so, I am so SO glad to have blonde leg-hairs. From a slight distance my legs seem hairless, even when they’re porcupine-level spiky. In the sun they glisten gold, which isn’t ideal, but generally they really are invisible. Almost like a hologram. Or a holograph! That's what those silvery stickers are called that change in the light, right? Choosing not to shave as a very blonde chick is liberating, while being discreet. You don’t have to be that brave and self-assured to rock this hippy-chick, no-maintenance look.
You are like the One Ring, but for Wig-Makers
This is both a pro and a con. A pro because it is obviously very flattering. A con because you start to feel like poachers are waiting around every corner. When I was little, hairdressers would come up to me in stores or on the street and make me promise not to dye or damage my hair color because it is “impossible to recreate.” Looking back, I’ve started to feel like Hansel and Gretel. The Witch has been fattening me up for her own gain, and I’ve been rightly opaque about it. Sure logically you’re probably not going to get stalked and sheared, but who doesn’t want to feel like the heroine of a YA Dystopian Fiction novel once in a while? Live in your fantasy! Sleep with a taser under your pillow! Because blonde is beautiful, just like every other hair color out there.